Don't Hassle the Hoff

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Don't Hassle the Hoff; 6/21 Recap
Topic Started: Jun 22 2006, 10:32 PM (1,120 Views)
Bored	Jun 22 2006, 10:32 PM Post #1
Well? Posts: 1,439 Group: Admin Member #4 Joined: February 13, 2005	Welcome to Simon Cowell’s latest attempt to prove that he’s good at things aside from being completely honest – America’s Got Talent. In this show, we’re going to watch three judges, consisting of one random British guy who isn’t really even in the entertainment business, an famous ex-pop starlet, and David Hasslehoff. Sound familiar? Of course not. However, unlike the show that begins with A and ends in Merican Idol, we aren’t just going to see crappy singers. Oh no. We’ve also got crappy dancers, crappy jugglers, and crappy stripping acts in store. Let’s get this party started. Regis comes out and explains to us that, although everyone that we see tonight signed up to do their acts, but the judges don’t know what these acts are going to be. Oh. Scary. Hopefully none of these will be too terrible. crosses fingers in vain Reeg calls out the names of our first few contestants and we’re off. First up is a professional snapper. Great. His name is Bobby Badfingers, and he... snaps his fingers. It’s quite possibly the strangest thing that I’ve ever seen in my life.... and yet, it’s somehow entertaining. I can’t take my eyesaway. In between snapping he does lame 70’s dance moves, which make the act that much more tragic. Throughout the performance, Piers (our Brit) and Brandy laugh and Hoff stares ~~longingly~~ at the act – and they all like it enough to put him through. Following Badfingers is... the Horn Guy. Yes, the horn guy. Reeg attempts to make some jokes about him playing the harmonica for no apparent reason, we find out that the Horn Guy has been playing bike horns for over a year. The act starts off lame, and Piers X’s him about five seconds into Frere Jacques, but halfway through he becomes DJ Horn Guy and mixes bike horns with beatboxing. Wow. Piers (who has already proven to be the grouchy Brit, although not quite matching Cowell’s level of grouchiness), doesn’t like it, but Hoff is amazed and Brandy thinks that the act is “hot”, so he’s going through. The next group, Blue Velvet, isn’t so lucky, as they get the triple X after creating the worst chord I think I’ve ever heard in 50’s lounge lizard gear. Yikes. Not to mention that they had a keyboard. Egads I think I’m in pain. After our first commercial break, Reeg introduces the next group, an asian “Hip Hopapella” group called At Last. Finally, a singing act that doesn’t look like they came straight out of Vegas. They come out strong right off of the bat, shocking Brandy, and they continue to be strong the whole way through. The judges like them (Brandy and Hoff give them a standing ovation) and the audience likes them, and so they move onto the next round. Following the hip-hoperapella or whatever that was is Sid The Kid, the 8 year old comic. She launches into her set without actually telling anyone who she is with more vivacity than, say... Gary Gulman. And she’s a lot better than Gary Gulman. Or, for that matter, the majority of the people on LCS – and she actually writers her own stuff! Amazing! Needless to say, she gets through. After Reeg yells out another group of names (which is his only job on this show, it appears), we meet Kenny Shelton, who is a juggler who... well, he has a tendency to actually drop the stuff. The judges notice this and X him – however, he appeals to the judges and they let him juggle knives on a balancing board for a minute. If he does this, then he’s in, and he doesn’t disappoint, getting through to the next round. After a commercial break, we meet... the shadow dancers. They’re dressed like pirates... and they have a miniature pony. Ok, Im very confused now. HThe entire pperformance just doesn’t make any sense. I mean, the pony? And the crappy interpretive realistic dance? What’s going on! After they get voted to go away, we find out that the pony is actually part of a LOVE TRIANGLE. AAAH! AAAHHH!! Ok, human on pony love triangles are NOT allowed. Bad. Next up in quite possibly the most horrific thing that I’ve ever seen in my life. His name is Bernie Barker, and, well, he’s a 62 year old male stripper. And he’s wearing a cowboy hat. The people are covering their children’s eyes, his body glitter is splitting the audience into either boos or cheers, and all the time the Hoff is staring. He even gives him the go-ahead for... well, for this: Yes. That’s him. Right before taking off his pants. And, in a strange twist of fate, the judges allow this to continue. THEY VOTE HIM THROUGH! Brandy and Hoff, please, stop this madness. Please. Following the most disturbing thing ever is Alexis Jordan, a 14 year old singer who sings ‘I Have Nothing’. The first thing I notice is the tone of her voice is stellar. I don’t think she hits all of her runs (but she more than I would expect out of a 14 year old), but she has presence and her voice sounds great. Needless to say, the judges laud her (and Brandy actually gives her reasons as to why she likes her – take note, Paula) and she’s moving onto the next round. By now, you should know the drill - Reeg calls another group of people up, they act extremely excited even though apparently everyone goes up in the building, and we have another commercial break. When we return, we see Eddie Haskell, who makes screechy sounds with saws. Yikes. Next! Luckily, next is Kevin Johnson, who brings two puppets along with him. He does “Godzilla Theater”, where he basically makes his voice come out of his mouth but the words don’t synch up. It’s absolutely amazing (and pretty indescribable) and he gets through. Brit Cowell Wannabe even withdraws his buzzer! Wow! Next up is the singing harpist, Kathy Cavanaugh, who... well, she plays the harp and sings. Big surprise. It’s not right for the show, as the judges tell her, but it is really beautiful, so they send her off regretfully. Oh well. Closing this group is some comedian guy who does yoda impression. And it was not good. Three x’s, real fast. We have a new group of people coming up, and the first of the group that we meet is Vladamir Mlachimpossibletospelllastname, who does a hand balancing act that’s absolutely insane. I mean, considering that it’s a hand balancing act. Mixed in with interpretive dance. With Enya-like music. However, despite the interpretive dancing bits and the music, the act is impressive and everyone votes for him to come back. After a really fast commercial break (is it just me, or are all of the commercial breaks like, two minutes long? I feel trapped watching this show since my tape has indeed run out at this point) we get to watch some people dunking basketballs with trampolines. Great. Cowell II doesn’t like them, but Brandy and the Hoff put them through. After them is the nose flautist Jay, wearing pirate garb. And it’s the most miserable thing ever. NEXT. But instead of going down quickly, Jay decides to go after everybody. He calls out Cowell II for being british and says that Brandy hasn’t had a hit out recently and Hasslehoff is tone-deaf. Egads. They’re all a lot more entertaining than you, Mr. Nose flautist. It’s time for more acts, and the first one up is Betty Victor. Who sings. God Bless America. And it’s brutal. As usual, Piers presses all three buttons, but David and Brandy (who has adopted the Cowell “what are these people thinking” look) echo the sentiments. However, afterwards we’re wishing that she’d stay on, because the next act which is a crossdressing act is hilariously horrible. It made me want to cry. As usual, Cowell II pushes Hoff’s button and we move on. Ivan Pecel is up next, who does a juggling comedy act. The judges don’t love it, but the audience does. And thus, the judges are scrambling to At one point, Hoff vehemently yells “are you watching the same show that I’m watching?” Ah, Hoff angry. Talk about good entertainment. Brandy claims that she buzzed due to peer pressure (but the audience loves her for standing up for her) and manages to convince Cowell II to let the act stay. So, we’ll be seeing Ivan again next week. Joy. Afterwards is Nathan Burton, who begins with drawing a bowling ball and making it come out of a sketch pad, and then going into a microwave, turning black, then going back to white. How special. Yet again, Cowell II doesn’t like the act, but Hoff and Brandy do. Following him is a break dancing cow who shoots milk at the audience. Wow. The judges don’t approve, and so he’s heading off. Reeg already claims that he loves the show because of the breakdancing cow (never mind that it’s been like, 3/4ths of an episode), and we get a new group of performers. The next act happens to be Michael Speaks, who decides to sing gospel music. It’s actually pretty good performance, although he would definitely be helped with a choir. Needless to say, Hoff and Brandy love it, and Cowell II likes him as well as his microphone juggling skillz. Next up is Vladik anotherimpossiblenametospell, who also juggles and is probably the most exciting juggler we’ve seen all night. All of the judges love him, and he’s going through. When we come back from the commercial break, Reeg brings out a few more acts, the first one of a which is a parrot that makes noises. The judges don’t like it, and so our parrot goes away. Awww. Keeping with the animal trend is D.R. Johns who performs with dogs. Unlike the parrot lady, his act is actually exciting, and the judges love it just as much as the audience does, and he’s going through to the next round. After the last commercial break, we meet S, who does balloon work. Great. Balloons. Just what I’ve always wanted to see on America TV. Except not at all. He doesn’t really even do that much balloon work – he’s more of a lounge singer with balloons. Needless to say, he doesn’t get through. Following him is the Rapping Granny. Yes, the rapping granny. Who raps about gun shots. It’s quite interesting and original (well, the act, not the lyrics), and it was funny to boot. The judges also like it, and so the Granny gets through. And that’s the show for tonight! We also see a bunch of other groups that make it through. Next week: more of the same. Great. Hopefully there will be no old strippers this time around... Were you equally scarred by old stripping man? Were you amazed by the Rapping Granny? Register and tell us about it!
	Insert saying that I think is funny here


Boo	Jun 23 2006, 12:44 PM Post #2
Sway With Me Posts: 571 Group: Admin Member #3 Joined: February 13, 2005	I missed this show (and I'll probably miss every other episode :lol:) but thanks to you, I can get up to speed on everything that's going on. Great job, Hoff Junior.
	How ya gonna fix it?


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