So we begin the new season of Hell’s Kitchen, and as soon as I found out that Squishybutt was actually into the show I rushed to get this recap done. ;) Welcome to the kitchen Squish.
So our favorite toddler from across the pond is back and he’s got 12 more masochists (read idiots who will do anything to get their 15 minutes) arriving on the geek bus from Beauty and the Geek They painted it black with “Hell’s Kitchen” emblazoned on each side, but it’s still the geek bus. We get to meet a few of the contestants and the way production is editing the intros I think we’re supposed to be meeting them for the first time with ole Gordo. The first person who is given the famous look of disdain and loathing from the Prince of Pomp is Keith. Keith is apparently still getting over not making the fifth spot for the New Kids on the Block because he’s sporting a white baseball cap slung sideways on his oversized, eggplant shaped head. Gordo thinks Keith is “slightly demented” as he reviews his bio. The next contestant to grace us with her eccentricities is Virginia. We see her in a kitchen wearing chef’s garments; however, she’s putting lipstick on using a serving dish as a mirror. :rolleyes: For this, I loathe Virginia.
As the special bus is unloading, we get our first view of Jean Phillipe (aka JP or Jeeves) our resident host with whom I grew to care about by the end of last season. He looks as if he’s had a makeup artist from a funeral home in Jersey do his makeup this evening. JP (aka Jeeves) welcomes the contestants with champagne and tells them to feel free to look around. They don’t get much of a chance because Gordo’s on his way out to the restaurant. After a very brief hello he tells them to get into the kitchen to create their signature dishes. We saw this last season and it didn’t go over very well so it should be interesting.
Ladies and Gentlemen; Start Your Burners
In the kitchen, the contestants are running around with their heads cut off trying to locate utensils, ingredients, etc. to put together their dishes. One mook tries to cut the top off of his wine bottle with a knife and makes a huge mess of it. It doesn’t deter him from using the contents of the broken bottle in his frying pan. The putz in question is Tom, and he’s not only stupid under pressure but he sweats like the only hooker at a Shriner’s convention. (I heard that this weekend and I had to use it ). :laugh It would be gross funny except he’s sweating into the food!
Poodle Pooh and Baby Throw Up, I’m Sensing a Theme
The first victim is the New Kid on the Block, Keith. Keith tells Gordo his dish is Cha-Ching Sesame Crusted Whatsit (say it like a white rapper wannabe and you’ll understand the next part). Gordo has him repeat it several times because he’s not getting the vernacular (quite frankly, neither am I). He demands that Keith take off his hat and he puts the cha-ching into it. He then takes a bite and tells Keith it’s way too hot.
Ramsey lifts the lid on the next victim’s dish and it belongs to Rachel. Rachel is a “personal chef” from the south so this should be good. She’s created butterfly shrimp with chocolate sauce. EWWW!! Apparently, she’s a personal chef for Willy Wonka because I cannot see anybody ordering that and neither can Gordo. He takes a bite and tells her there’s too much chocolate (ya think). Being a redneck, she’s not as put off by his harsh criticism.
The crazed looking redhead who goes by the name of Polly is up and she looks terrified. Polly is a caterer and has six boys at home. However, her signature dish is undone focaccia bread. “Undone” asks Gordo, “what do you mean by undone?” Polly, obviously used to dealing with toddlers uses her best mommy voice to explain that it’s uncooked. Gordo tells her he’d rather eat poodle pooh.
Larry, a little black man with a lot of attitude is next. His dish is crab cakes with an Asian flair. Gordo tastes and tells him it’s undercooked and crunchy.
A cafeteria cook from Brooklyn named Maribel is next. She has made something that looks like it came out of a cafeteria in Brooklyn about three weeks ago. She tells Gordo it’s an Argentine plantain soup. With a little trepidation, Gordo tastes the soup and almost immediately spits it into the garbage. He tells her it has too much garlic. At this point, Gordo is looking a little green and apparently feeling quite nauseous and is not sure he can go on…
The Sweater is up and has prepared shrimp scampi and caesar salad; however, he fails to mention the glass from the wine bottle he added. Gordo points out that the lettuce which is sitting atop the scampi is “cooked”. He tells Sweater dude to hold out his hands and places the salad in it. Sweater man exclaims “that is hot” and looks around for a place to put it. Gordo tastes the shrimp and spits it out.
Heather, this season’s sous chef, is up next. Heather has made some berry empanadas that end up being too thick and hard to digest. He throws her a bone by telling her it’s the best thing he’s tasted so far.
Gordo’s starting to sweat a little and pace around (most likely because Heather’s empanada is still lodged in his throat). He uncovers the next dish which appears to be a mountain of meat that belongs to Garrett. Gordo puts on his best “stinky face” and asks him quite snottily where he learned to cook. When Garrett responds “jail” Gordo takes a step back. While Chef Cranky Pants is composing himself we learn that Garrett went to jail for stealing checks. Back in the restaurant Gordo can not take another bite of bad food and tells Gabe to step forward and taste Garrett’s dish. Gabe responds with “it’s a little bland for me” (in confession cam, we are informed by Gabe that since he has no experience he’s going to use any means possible to further himself in the game). Garrett gives Gabe a look that clearly means “you are so my bitch when we get to the dorms”.
Gabe is up next and has made some seafood dish that Gordo tells him is uncooked and should have been called sushi.
Moving right along Gordo decides to do a two-fer. He calls up Sara and Giacomo. Sara is told to taste Giacomo’s dish which is some sort of pasta concoction. Sara takes a bite and proclaims it to be “good”. Gordo can’t believe it and tastes for himself. He gives Giacomo a “not bad” and this makes Giacomo feel as if he’s the leader thus far. Sara’s salmon doesn’t pass muster and it’s back to the ranks for them.
Last but not least is Virginia. Virginia is a salad chef :? who, if you remember correctly, likes to wear make up in the kitchen. *sigh* Virginia has made a salad. Well what else were you expecting from a salad chef. Gordo asks her if she cooked anything at all on the plate to which she responds she “roasted the nuts”. I almost choke on my water when she says this because she’s looking right into his eyes. I don’t know if she was challenging him or trying to seduce him. Either way, Gordo is not impressed with Virginia wasting 30 minutes in the kitchen to roast nuts and grate coconut.
Men vs. Women
Gordo’s sous chefs appear and it’s our same characters from last season, Scott and Mary Ann. Chef Ramsey explains to the contestants what the winner will receive and then splits them up into two teams and it’s men against women. The contestants are way too excited about this concept. The sous chefs are assigned by sex as well. Mary Ann (the dominatrix) is assigned to the ladies and Scott (prison guard) assigned to men. I can’t help but wonder how he and Garrett are going to get along.
They head up to the dormitories and change into their new chef gear and head back downstairs. Gordo tells them the kitchen will be open tomorrow. In the meantime, they will all be doing prep work so they won’t be getting much sleep. As the sheep are milling around their respective kitchens prepping, we see Sweater man prepping a big pop of what appears to be stewed tomatoes and he’s dripping sweat into the mixture. Give me a moment to quell my gag reflexes. Chef Gordo screams at him and tells him to empty that mixture and start over and do something about the sweating!! Over in the women’s kitchen they are working together as a team and finish their prep work early. They head up to the dorms for a few hours of zzzz’s. The men refuse to cave in to such a ridiculous notion as teamwork and they pull an all-nighter.
Dinner is Served
So the gals get 3 hours of sleep and the guys get 20 minutes as they head down to the kitchen for the night’s opening. As they line up, Gordo asks for a volunteer from each side. Several of the girls’ hand shoot up while the boys are very tentative about volunteering. Giacomo raises his hand timidly and Gordo calls him out on it. He tries to raise it with more enthusiasm but he’s aware that it’s not going to end up good. He’s chosen for the men’s team and Heather is chosen for the women. Gordo explains that these two will be donkeys for the evening. Huh?? Apparently, “donkey” is kitchen speak for somebody who maintains order and tidiness of the kitchen area but aren’t allowed to actually “cook” anything. Heather seems excited about this turn of events and Giacomo looks as though he’s contemplating suicide.
We now go outside to see the night’s diners arriving. *Big Deal.* As the first orders come in and Gordo is spewing them out to the chefs, the game is officially afoot. Polly and Tom are on appetizers for their team and have the spotlight all to themselves. Wait a minute, here comes Polly’s team to help her out. Tom is sweating (but not in the food) to get the order in on time and looking good. It only takes 20 minutes before the women finally present their dish to Gordo. It looks like a congealed mess on the television screen so I’m write with Gordo while he yells at Polly “and you had help”. She dumps out her plate and is forced to start over. Tom has a couple of failed attempts at his appetizers too and the customers who 45 minutes into meal service have only eaten bread are starting to get restless. The men surge ahead and start to get all of their appetizers on the table. It starts to look good for the boys when a customer is complaining to his table and then JP about the lack of pumpkin in his pumpkin risotto. JP is arguing with the customer that he ate most of it but the customer is relentless. He wants his pumpkin and he wants it now. I spy a wannabe actor seeing an opportunity and seizing it. The idiot approaches Gordo at the hot plate and demands more pumpkin and you just know what Gordo said he would do with that pumpkin once he got it. :D
While Gordo deals with the faux staff, Sweater man has decided he’s going to burn down the kitchen. His section is completely out of control, flames are everywhere and pots are boiling over. Gordo sees this and manages to keep Sweater man calm by screaming at him about his inadequacies. I think I saw a teammate come over and actually help him out. The men have clearly adopted an every-man-for-himself attitude as far as their teams go.
Polly has failed on her fourth attempt at risotto and Heather is ready to burst. She asks Gordo if she can come into the kitchen to help and he allows it by demoting Polly to donkey. As you can imagine Heather manages to whip up a perfect risotto her first time at bat. This causes Rachel to cheer and toss up a high five. Heater is telling her to shush and Gordo turns on them wanting to know what all the fuss was about. He lets them know their cheering is a little premature since it took them 45 minutes to get out two appetizers. The girls scatter trying to look busy.
In the blue kitchen the men are standing around looking a little confused. Gordo notices that the burners are not in Tom’s station. When the water boiled over it extinguished the flame. It has taken Tom this long to figure out that the stove has gone cold and nothing is cooking…Gordo’s head is spinning. He gets a glimpse of Larry out of the corner of his eye. The little man is standing and staring into space. He looks like he’s zoned out from all the confusion when Gordo rips him from his revery. He is screaming at the little dude to look lively. Larry tries jumping up and down a bit and when Gordo turns his back he goes back to standing!
I Refuse to Be Classified as an Idiot
We are two full hours into dinner service and people have still not received appetizers and NOBODY has received a main course yet these wannabes are sitting around waiting. They are complaining, but nobody, I mean nobody appears to be leaving. I’m thinking free or not, I am NOT waiting that long for a meal!
In the kitchen, beef Wellington’s aren’t being cooked all the way and chaos is so thick that the girls cook veal stock instead of lamb stock. This forces Virginia to go to the boy’s section to beg for some lamb stock. Of course, she gets a resounding NO and a “get the hell outta here” for added measure from the prison chef.
Another hour passes and things are not looking good AT ALL! Gordo finally puts the wannabes out of their mercy and shuts down the kitchen and closes the restaurant. Don’t worry, they will get to come back in a couple of days to try their luck at a free meal again. :shifty
Choosing Who Sucks the Least Isn’t As Easy As It Sounds
Gordo lines ‘em up and tells them that there were no winners in tonight’s service so he’s forced to choose who was the best of the worst. After some dramatic pauses, he goes with the women’s team. Heather was the only star on the team so she gets to choose two people to put up for eviction.
There is a pretty predictable debate that goes on upstairs while Heather tries to figure out who to throw under the bus. In the end she chooses Polly and Virginia. The men are kicked back looking cocky as ever until Gordo reminds them that they sucked almost as bad as the women. The two ladies are asked to tell Gordo why they should be allowed to stay. They give some random thoughts about dedication, hard working, etc., but in the end it’s Polly who is given the ole heave ho.
He sends the contestants to bed and then whines to the audience about having to go Hell and back to find a winner with these contestants. I am thoroughly bored with this episode and will hang on for epi two only because I have got to see if the redneck women or the prison guard take Gordo down and puts a heel to his throat.
Thanks for the shout out, FG! Now, as long as it doesn't coincide with BB Allstars we should be ok. Otherwise, the DVR will be working overtime. I have 2 now!
Great recap! I actually read the first sentence as "as soon as I found out that Squishybut was ON the show" and I freaked :lol:
LOL. No Way in "HELL"'s Kitchen