I like to be entertained. I like reality television. I know that this type of entertainment is blatantly edited and tweaked for the viewing audience. However, the results of this week’s episode are questionable. I know what’s funny and what isn’t and believe me, at least one person who made it through was the opposite of funny.
To quote the Black Eyed Peas when they are censored, let’s get it started.
Anthony Clark, our charismatic and charming host (try writing that with a straight face) welcomes us to another step in the process of finding the Next. Last. Comic. Standing. We greet the judges, no, sorry, the talent scouts: Garry Marshall, Kathy Griffin and Tim Meadows. For more information on these people, visit our threads in the forum. Yes, I can too, do shameless plugs. They save a lot of time and they smell great.
Twenty comics will be featured tonight and another twenty will be saved for next week. It has been a while since I have done mathematics but that means that last week, we missed a bunch of people who made it through. I can’t wait to see those people who we’ll never see again! Each comedian has three minutes to rock the audience and the comedians who are actually judges or whatever they want to call them. Please note that the microphone will magically turn off at the end of the three minutes. Too bad so sad if you’re in the middle of a joke and you run out of time. No pity for the fools. Let me also introduce my old friend, Foreshadowing. He’s a special being, who likes to appear in a lot of reality shows. He’s a fame-whore, but he has style. Look for him alongside Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton in a gossip magazine near you.
First comedian, if you can even call him that, is Vargus Mason. You might remember him from last week where he made a joke about looking like a less-appealing Lenny Kravitz. This week, he sucks. Bad. He actually scared me. Moving along!
Kiera Soltanovich (I am a spelling master!) has a voice that causes me physical pain. She talks about converting to alcoholism and that’s about all I remember because my ears hurt so much.
Theo Von, the reality star and trucker-hat convert, makes a joke I
shouldn't be laughing at but it was well done. He says he doesn’t like women who can’t cook because women were made with milk and eggs… At least there were no Federline jokes this week
Jackie Kashian talks about her dad in various situations, she gets a lot of laughs and the judges congratulate her on her act. Mmm, could she be a surprise pick to go in the house?
Next up is Chris Porter, my favourite of them all from last week. I am immediately disappointed as he starts talking about France and that isn’t very original. Then, Foreshadowing comes to sit with me and Chris’ mic gets cut off before the big finale of his act. I am bummed out because I thought Chris was good and now there’s no chance of him making it further.
Roz, who all of you remember, has a really good act and it would’ve been excellent if she wouldn’t have
screamed all the time. Goodness, woman! She talks about making resumes with prostitutes and it’s so funny. I predict that she’s in the top five tonight.
The next comedian is David Huntsberger, one guy I thought was sooo funny last week. This week, he makes jokes about the Pope being hot… What happened to you? I was a fan! Now, I must give you the eyebrow of doom.*
Our next contestant on “Who Want to be a Comedian on a Rigged Show” is a man named Saleem that we haven’t seen before. He tells the audience he has a white wife and he felt obligated to tell us, since people, when they discover he has a white wife, tell him “you should’ve told us.” His whole routine is very, very well done but this guy has no chance, unfortunately.
Doug Malard tells us many things, one of which is that he went to the lost and found area at an Ashlee Simpson concert but he didn’t find his pride. Ashlee Simpson jokes made right are always enjoyable.
Josh Blue is our next funnyman and he is, in a word, awesome. He has the distinct privilege to be able to insult the audience and it works! He talks about himself all the time but it’s really well-done. Biggest thing of all is that he got a standing ovation. Great! One of the judges asked him why he chose to do stand-up and he answered that he wasn’t going to be a traffic cop. Josh Blue gets Boo’s stamp of approval. *
Matt Fulchiron has a very weird delivery style and he's just plain weird. He makes a joke about not liking girls who wear skirts with jeans under them because that means it’s two things he’s not getting into. I hate skirts with jeans too simply because it’s so dang ugly! Fashion mistake at its finest.
Josh Wolf is a dude we haven’t seen before but he has a trucker hat. *Applause* The only thing I remember about him is that he said he had three kids. What? He looks like he’s 22 years old! Ok, I’m slightly exaggerating and maybe I am being fooled by the trucker hat but he looks young. Anyway, he’s not very good.
Ah, now it’s time for Nikki Glaser. I don’t like her humor but a lot of people do so I’ll try to be as fair as possible. She did her same old style of shocking and being controversial. That’s all I have to say.
Chip Chinery has red hair and he asked people if they watched CNN because their new season of programming was underway. Yawn.
Next up is April Macie and writing that name down already hurts me. She has one funny joke, which was not really a joke because everyone already knows this: guys, your girlfriend, wife, fiancée,
will tell her best friend about
everything. Even…
that. John Roy or, as we affectionately call-him over here at ART, "bald-head dude", is excellent tonight yet again. He says racists are stupid. Love it! Mexicans are either lazy or they steal or jobs, it can’t be both! This guy is clever.
Wild Willy is really good once again and his attire makes one of the judges ask him if he wears that everyday. Talking with the judges? That makes me think he might have a chance to get in the house.
Tig Notaro, I’m afraid to say, completely destroyed her set by explaining it too much. She says she was on vacation in Mexico and put up the “No Moleste” sign on her door and she was very afraid. You figure it out …
Modi Rosenfeld is one comic I thought was good last week. He talked about many things, one of which was that he went to a gym and his trainer was named Dash. "I have a punctuation teaching me how to lift!" Tee-hee.
Last one tonight! He or she must be good, right? I’m all excited! Who is it?
Joey Gay.
Noooooooooooooooooo!
He is still screaming, being annoying, obnoxious and he talks about the fact that he is surprised there aren’t any Palestinian pitchers in baseball, since they are so used to throwing rocks. Lame! You are not funny!
Ok, I’m calm now. Only five comics get into the house tonight and since a bunch of them were less than stellar, I have a weird feeling that it won’t be pretty.
Remember this folks: the rule is, there has to be a good number of women, of people who the public will like just to rule out any possibility of favoritism and of course, the people that know some of the producers. More on that later.
The five very lucky and "undoubtedly" deserving comedians going to the house are:
Chris Willy Wonka Porter. What….WHAT? He blew it and he still gets in? No complaints so far.
April Macie. This is where I share a little bit of gossip I found. April has a boyfriend. Her boyfriend likes cookies. Her boyfriend is tall, thinks he’s funny, and has a bit of influence on this show. Her boyfriend is Gary Gulman.
Our next comedian is… Joey Gay. Are they trying to make me stop watching this show?
Thankfully, the next person chosen is Roz. Wait, two yellers in the same house! But at least she is good.
The final pick, chosen by the audience, is Josh Blue! Excellent.
Well, that’s it for this week, as twenty more comedians will perform next episode. Among them are Bil Dwyer, Gabriel Iglesias, Doug Benson, Flip Shultz, Kristin Key and Buck Star.
*Disclaimer: the eyebrow of doom and Boo's seal of approval are copyrighted. 2006 ART corporation. Word.
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